Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
