fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
