this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
