after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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