Hey man sorry I got all grabby
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
