I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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