if you like me you must not know who I am
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
