If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
