my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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