I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
