Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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