Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
