Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
