Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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