my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
