new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
