So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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