at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
