Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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