Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Drunk is not a location!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
