Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
