im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
