she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
if only i could text you this smell
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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