I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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