party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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