2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
