listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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