i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
it glows. i had to have it.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize