You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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