im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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