I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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