Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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