this beer tastes like vomit already
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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