Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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