remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
