I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
