his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
