he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Boobs speak an international language.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
