my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Randomize
