You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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