Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
