If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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