She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
