We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize