If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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