the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
