I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
