going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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