My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
