please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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