I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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