my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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