Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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