you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
