I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
so much tequila, so little girl.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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