I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Randomize
