I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
there is glitter all over my balls
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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