Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
